Close Your Eyes And Smile Again

ventura &derek

2008-11-02T18:14:00.000-08:00

so last night i went to ventura with my sister, ace, and their friend kp. it was a lot of fun, which is something i need right now. i had this whole thing planned out where i'd tell you about my night, but i'm too lazy. saw derek play at some pub. i get to hang on to ace's leica for a while, and my sister gave me her diana f+ with loads of film. i'm excited, but i have no idea when i'll be able to get out and take pictures again. although i did manage to take some pictures last night, both with my canon and ace's leica. i like how the ones with the leica turned out better than my canon, so those will be the ones that i share with you this time.

my sister knows how to ride.

these two have been together for so long, it's amazing.

they're practically married, and he's pretty much apart of the family.

i've been listening to his voice pretty much since seventh grade (:

he's very talented.

i leave you with a video from that night. not the best lighting, but what matters is the audio. he did cover some of his old band's song, but the thing was he forgot some of the lyrics.

derek jennings from jane tuazon on Vimeo

2008-08-14T00:39:00.001-07:00

oh how much we have fallen these days...

2008-07-07T19:40:00.001-07:00

I'm happy, I really am (:

2008-07-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

I drove nearly empty most of the day without air conditioning, and with my windows up.
I almost ran over a coyote... twice. I swear it followed me. I was in the far left lane as it ran across the street (right to left). Then it started running near the median, so I switched to the far right lane. It's next move? To run across all lanes in front of me again.
So I almost died from heat in my car, and I almost crashed into a coyote twice.
Today was still a good day. I fished Bio work during my five hour break, so I have all night to do whatever I want. Plans for tonight? Finish the second disc of "How I Met Your Mother" and sleep. I think I've gotten a total of ten hours in the past four days. That's bad, right? I'm not sure anymore, it seems normal to me.

Inspired by Jenny June

2008-06-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

Summer is essentially over for me in the sense that I will start taking classes tomorrow. Oh thank you Bio lecture &lab for getting my butt out of bed at the time I usually fall asleep. I'm so thankful for 7am classes, and five hour gaps between lec. &lab.
It may be a bit hard for me to get started on this list, but I've completed quite a few off of my summer to do list.
summer '08:
- ~~SeaWorld with Raul~~
- ~~Get a job~~... parents won't let me anymore -___-
- Bonfire
- ~~Beach~~
- Date #1 (picnic) with Raul
- ~~Fireworks with Raul~~
- Disneyland... take Raul to California Adventures.
- Sunset at the beach with Raul
- Catch up on "How I Met Your Mother"

So my list pretty much sucks, and has too much Raul on it (:

over.

2008-05-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

leave him.
leave him.
leave him.

It exists...

2008-04-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

Open up to someone, anyone really, and you'll soon feel better. I'm starting to free myself, free my demons slowly and I'm starting to feel good. Or so I hope... I felt this way a few weeks ago after seeking help, but then last week hit. It was a low point for me. I never knew I could feel so extreme, but I'm glad I got through with that. Maybe I'm in a better state of mind because I had a good weekend. Happiness exists in mini road trips back to a familiar place. Happiness exists in live music and feeling the rush of the crowd pulling you into several different directions. Happiness existed in the first smile I saw those two mornings. True happiness exists in endless hugs, and endless smiles. I'm on a road of recovery and I do not want to relive last week.

I was talking to a friend last night, someone I haven't talked to in a while. Our conversation went on for a little over an hour and I think it helped a lot. I was reassured that struggle can be beautiful. Once we're past that dark hole we can move on and be stronger. I don't want to forget the struggle, and my friend said I won't forget it because it was something I felt deeply about. I hope that's true... I need to remember conversations like last night. I need to remember I've surrounded myself with excellent individuals. I have a good life, and I need to remind myself that. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong, but I can only hope remembering important individuals in my life will remind me the struggle is worth it all.

2008-04-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

I lose faith in myself quickly.

twloha

2008-03-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

"I'm not afraid of your pain."

There is hope, and I found it today.

interventions & lullabies

2008-02-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

It calms me down. I feel content while listening to this album.
Some nights I take my ipod out for a walk to my spot and just sit there, looking at the stars.
I could look at the stars for hours... Actually I have looked at the stars for hours.
Those were some of the best nights I've had. Looking at the stars with friends, seeing shooting stars, having a good time without spending money.
Yeah... I think I'll take that walk tomorrow night with my ipod.

sounds of real life, it cuts like skin upon this knife.

2008-02-19T10:03:00.000-08:00

I am unstable and I think it's a wise choice for me to move back to San Diego after all.

Ever feeling like disappearing? More than ever now...

and we take what we can get

2008-01-25T15:22:00.000-08:00

I never knew I could question society as much as I have within the past two days. Even in the most public places anything can happen. You never know who is dealing with what and how they handle their issues. You can go through the same situation, but you will never know the exact pain that the other person felt. They will never experience your same fear, your exact thoughts, and everything else that ran through your mind and body.
Thinking about yesterday takes so much out of me. I felt so alone, I just wanted to get out of there. I've heard stories, and knew it was possible. But why me? I guess everyone ask themselves that question when something like this or another happens to them. The bus just isn't the same anymore.

hotel, swimmers, shoreline...

2008-01-23T18:08:00.000-08:00

Content.
Don't ruin this.

"Five is a number that I dream about."

shooting stars

2008-01-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

Seeing six of them on one night was perfect. If I get in trouble for coming home almost four in the morning, I say it was worth it all. I'll leave in a week and she'll forget about me creeping in my bedroom that morning. I'll leave in a week, but I'll remember that night/morning for a while.
Six of them in one night. Amazing.

this can be said to many

2008-01-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

"I miss you already, goodbye to you."

I have this song on repeat in my mom's car. If I ever get a chance to use the car while I'm still here, I'll drive around listening to this song. I guess I might have a certain destination in mind, but I truly doubt I'll get there.

so this is the new year...

2008-01-01T01:40:00.000-08:00

The last couple hours of 2007 were pretty much a good way to end the year. Raul and I checked looking at stars off our checklist. Charles and I welcomed the new year talking about who knows what. I like counting stars as everyone counts down to the new year. I just might spend next New Years Eve counting stars at another park. I think I'm going to make it a tradition. In one year I'll be ready. Blankets and everything.

Also, I saw a shooting star. Raul made me wish on it.

ruckus

2007-12-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

I want to shake things up. I want to make people question how well they know me.

Emptiness won’t let me sleep.... part two?

2007-12-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

I think it's a mixture of emptiness and a lack of security that has been keeping me up for the past three nights. I thought I figured a few things out, but I'm still as lost as ever. I have learned that figuring things out will take more than a couple of hours. My feelings have endless possibilities, so I shouldn't decide how I feel on just a few hours of observation.

Today was the first time I saw my church kids in four months. Nothing has changed. Diane and I still fight and hit each other like little kids. AJ always comforts me and shows that he's one of the sweetest guys I'll ever be blessed to meet. Sometimes I think I could still have a crush on him. It has been an on and off crush since sixth grade, but six years (on and off) is way too long for a crush. I saw Norman, the guy I was a TA with last year. His little brother was in our class. Kevin was shy and quiet. I made it a goal to get him to open up, even if it was a little bit. It didn't work, I think he was scared of me by the end of the year. I told Norman this while I was talking to him online a few minutes ago. This is what happened:
me: yeah, i obviously failed because he seemed to be scared of me by the end of the year
norman: hahaha
me: >.<
me: not funny, i wanted to be his friend. haha
norman: oh
norman: lol
norman: hes right next to me
norman: haha
me: is he reading this?
norman: dunno
norman: haha
me: ask him if he remembers me, and tell him i said hi
norman: yeah he remembers
me: haha
me: tell him i said hi
norman: he said ur funny
norman: no
norman: O-o
me: what?

Norman then went on an away message? Uh... did that mean Kevin doesn't remember me or he doesn't think I'm funny. >_< I wanted to be his friend! Yes, I wanted kid in seventh to be my friend... badly. :) Btw. He's now in eighth grade.

One more thing, I'm up because I'm scared to go to sleep. There's a man outside with his hood on playing the flute. He's pacing back and forth down my street. I rather not fall asleep tonight... Someone, save me. Protector number one, protector number two... Charles, Raul... where are you guys when I acutally need you?

Emptiness won’t let me sleep

2007-12-14T22:36:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to be back in San Diego. I spent my first day back waking up late, watching Aladdin, and then hanging out with Raul. It was a good way to start off being back in San Diego. I couldn't ask for a better day.

The nights are getting cold. It is far colder in San Diego than it is in Fullerton. Back in Fullerton I could sleep in shorts and a tank top. In fact my last night in Fullerton I wore a shirt and shorts to bed. Tonight I have so many layers of clothing. I'm wearing jogging pants, a shirt, a sweater, three pairs of socks, and a scarf. I love winter, even when it gets cold. I love layering up, and I love hugging Anthony the Anteater at night. Usually I hold on to a pillow, but ever since Charles got me the little Anteater I hold that at night. Jenny named him Anthony and I think it fits him quite well. Anthony will be my buddy through this cold night.

Soon it'll be 2008. I'm going to reevaluate everything: goals, friendships, feelings, etc. I've been thinking about friends and my relationships with everyone. Have you ever felt low because of a friend? No matter what he or she does, it seems to hurt me in the end. I'm probably being overly sensitive, but I have feelings as well. I have problems and I need someone to listen. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the person, but I don't. I sit there and listen to everything and realize it can be fixed with one simple solution. Of course what I say doesn't matter, and then that person goes to someone else. Maybe he or she likes drama; maybe he or she loves the attention. But who knows, I might be this way with someone else and not even realize it. I hope not because it's a bad feeling for the other person.

2007-12-06T18:07:00.000-08:00

it's getting cold outside.
... time for those warm feelings.

ashes and snow

2007-12-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

"May the guardian elephants hear my wish to collaborate with all
the musicians of nature's orchestra. I want to see through the eye of
the elephant. I want to join the dance that has no steps.

I want to become the dance."