ruckus

I want to shake things up. I want to make people question how well they know me.

Emptiness won’t let me sleep.... part two?

I think it's a mixture of emptiness and a lack of security that has been keeping me up for the past three nights. I thought I figured a few things out, but I'm still as lost as ever. I have learned that figuring things out will take more than a couple of hours. My feelings have endless possibilities, so I shouldn't decide how I feel on just a few hours of observation.

Today was the first time I saw my church kids in four months. Nothing has changed. Diane and I still fight and hit each other like little kids. AJ always comforts me and shows that he's one of the sweetest guys I'll ever be blessed to meet. Sometimes I think I could still have a crush on him. It has been an on and off crush since sixth grade, but six years (on and off) is way too long for a crush. I saw Norman, the guy I was a TA with last year. His little brother was in our class. Kevin was shy and quiet. I made it a goal to get him to open up, even if it was a little bit. It didn't work, I think he was scared of me by the end of the year. I told Norman this while I was talking to him online a few minutes ago. This is what happened:
me: yeah, i obviously failed because he seemed to be scared of me by the end of the year
norman: hahaha
me: >.<
me: not funny, i wanted to be his friend. haha
norman: oh
norman: lol
norman: hes right next to me
norman: haha
me: is he reading this?
norman: dunno
norman: haha
me: ask him if he remembers me, and tell him i said hi
norman: yeah he remembers
me: haha
me: tell him i said hi
norman: he said ur funny
norman: no
norman: O-o
me: what?

Norman then went on an away message? Uh... did that mean Kevin doesn't remember me or he doesn't think I'm funny. >_< I wanted to be his friend! Yes, I wanted kid in seventh to be my friend... badly. :) Btw. He's now in eighth grade.

One more thing, I'm up because I'm scared to go to sleep. There's a man outside with his hood on playing the flute. He's pacing back and forth down my street. I rather not fall asleep tonight... Someone, save me. Protector number one, protector number two... Charles, Raul... where are you guys when I acutally need you?

Emptiness won’t let me sleep

I'm happy to be back in San Diego. I spent my first day back waking up late, watching Aladdin, and then hanging out with Raul. It was a good way to start off being back in San Diego. I couldn't ask for a better day.

The nights are getting cold. It is far colder in San Diego than it is in Fullerton. Back in Fullerton I could sleep in shorts and a tank top. In fact my last night in Fullerton I wore a shirt and shorts to bed. Tonight I have so many layers of clothing. I'm wearing jogging pants, a shirt, a sweater, three pairs of socks, and a scarf. I love winter, even when it gets cold. I love layering up, and I love hugging Anthony the Anteater at night. Usually I hold on to a pillow, but ever since Charles got me the little Anteater I hold that at night. Jenny named him Anthony and I think it fits him quite well. Anthony will be my buddy through this cold night.

Soon it'll be 2008. I'm going to reevaluate everything: goals, friendships, feelings, etc. I've been thinking about friends and my relationships with everyone. Have you ever felt low because of a friend? No matter what he or she does, it seems to hurt me in the end. I'm probably being overly sensitive, but I have feelings as well. I have problems and I need someone to listen. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the person, but I don't. I sit there and listen to everything and realize it can be fixed with one simple solution. Of course what I say doesn't matter, and then that person goes to someone else. Maybe he or she likes drama; maybe he or she loves the attention. But who knows, I might be this way with someone else and not even realize it. I hope not because it's a bad feeling for the other person.

it's getting cold outside.
... time for those warm feelings.

ashes and snow

"May the guardian elephants hear my wish to collaborate with all
the musicians of nature's orchestra. I want to see through the eye of
the elephant. I want to join the dance that has no steps.

I want to become the dance."